dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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