i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
