Cold hands, warm shart.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
