Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
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I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
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I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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