Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
