finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
