I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
