I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
