the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
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I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
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Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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