I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
