Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
