you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
