He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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