omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
