you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
