I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
