Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
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He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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