i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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