apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
