Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
