He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I want to fling myself into the sun
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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