we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
