I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
