My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
