it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My balls are so social today.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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