Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
