My sheets look like a crime scene.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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