my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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