I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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