i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
