Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
