I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Did I show you my penis last night?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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