So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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