I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
