i can't believe i had my finger in that
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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