Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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