I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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