I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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