either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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