K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
