I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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