we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
this hospital has no fireball
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
