At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
