It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
