just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
