i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
