you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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