Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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