It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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