I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
