I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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