my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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