birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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