help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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