My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize