I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
