but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
